I Need Boy Help

I have a confession, sometimes I need boy help.  Well, at this point, its more like man help. There are some areas where it doesn’t matter how smart, strong or qualified you are, if you’re a woman, you’re at a disadvantage. I can do lots of basic repairs by myself. I change my truck’s oil and front brakes. I have installed new light fixtures, outlets and toilets. I can cut a line (in paint terms) like nobodies business. I own and operate 4 drills, 2 circular saws, a reciprocating saw and even a chainsaw. Thanks to my high school life skills class, I can do my own yearly lawnmower maintence.  I’m a wiz with my green thumb and elbow grease. All of this serves me very well. I’m proud of my skills, my knowledge and my self sufficiency, but it has also lead me into a false sense of safety.


If you know me, you know that I’ve been working on this new concept… letting people into my house, my space. I’m working on it, but I’m NOT great at it. Right now, I need to get repairs done on my house.  I’m working on this too. I have talked to neighbors and talked to contractors. I have even had a few of them over to look at my house and give me an estimate. The last one came highly recommended by neighbors. He looked at the damage and suggested I file a claim with my insurance company. This felt pretty big to me, but he said that he would make sure he was here when the adjuster came to help out. Phew, that felt better… not awesome (cause I hardly know him), but better. 

Last week the adjuster came 40 minutes early!!! Some people, most people probably, would be like “oh, good. We can just get this done early.” Not Jessica. I had a minor meltdown. I frantically texted the contractor, letting him know. Then I went outside to chew out the adjuster. “Why even call and set up an appointment if you aren’t going the show up at the agreed time?!?!” The poor guy just looked at me in disbelief as I continued along with this rant. I really surprised myself at just how mad I was. The contractor showed up maybe 5 minutes later and I started to settle down. I even apologized to the adjuster for my reaction… although I don’t think it was completely irrational.

Later, when I tried to figure out where all of that emotion was coming from I realized that I was scared. I also felt disrespected and even manipulated. 

So, today I get the claim info back from the insurance company and it looks like it is all going to be covered by my plan. Who can guess how I feel about this??? If you guessed happy and relieved, you’d be wrong. Right now I’m really wishing I had a man in my life. One that could at least stand in as my lover/housemate so I won’t have to meet more contractors by myself. One that could be at the house with me while the contractors and workers are there, while a bunch of strangers are at my house, in my space, near my stuff. 

It’s funny sometimes the things that hold us back.

Dog Park Date

Tracker and I re-started our Sunday Dates today. We both miss Athena a lot, everyday.  A few months after she died, I started taking Tracker to Park Grounds on Sundays.  It was good for me to get out of the house.  There’s good coffee there, and food, and dogs. Athena never really liked it there that much. She basically never left my side.  When she did, it was just to check out the other people. I believe that Athena never really saw herself as a dog. She was just my protector. Tracker, however, has always loved other dogs. He’s a real “dog’s dog.” (I’m not really sure that that is a saying, but you get my point). 

I’ve been telling myself for about 2 months that I was going to start bringing him back, but there has always been reasons not to. Rain, heat, fatigue, good coffee at home… all excuses. Pretty selfish of me. Today we went. It started to rain as we left, but I told myself that it might not be raining at the park. It wasn’t, not yet anyway. Tracker was really happy to be back. I got my breve latte and an egg sandwich, so I was good too.

The first little bit of rain came through and we sat under the tree and waited it out, no biggie. I don’t even think the dogs noticed. I made friends with Knox, a chocolate lab. Basically, I threw his stick, so he liked me. The sun came out. I finished my latte. Clouds moved in again. This time there was some pretty heavy rain, creating some sloppy mud. The dogs were not excited. The fun was over, so we headed home.

                                  

I would have liked to stay and let Tracker play for a good while longer, but at least we got some date time in. He’s such a good boy, its hard for me to know if he’s happy or not. I’m glad he’s here with me.  I’ve just got to make sure I make time for him.

I Did It

This is it. This is the place where I’m going to try to say some things, break down some walls, and grow. I’ve got big plans, small plans and no plans… all at once. I’m not sure how all of this is going to work out, but I’m gonna try it. First steps, baby steps, giant leaps off the edge… for at least 15 minutes each day anyway.