I’m Pretty Sure That I’m Jealous Of You

There is that saying, “the grass is greener…” and I just thinking about how often it feel true. I’ve been thinking about my relationships with people. How and why I chose to keep people in my life or let them fade into the past (however abruptly). There is something that is sticking out for me. Something that I’m trying to bend my mind around. If you’re someone in my life, I’m jealous of you in someway. Is this healthy? Is it normal? Is it ok?

Let’s start off with some of the obvious reasons for my jealousy. If you are someone who doesn’t have a strong physical response (hands sweating, heart beat increasing, etc) when thinking about going to work, I’m jealous of you. If you feel neutral about your job, or at least not like your job is source of physical and emotional pain, a battle where (over time) you build up this heavy armor to protect yourself, I’m jealous of you. I’m even more jealous if you feel satisfied in your chosen field. If you have been in your chosen profession for more then 5 years, you’re lucky. You have found something in your life that fulfills you. You have found a profession where you fit in, where you can be challenged and rewarded for your efforts. Good for you, I wish I had that. If you have a job that you’re excited about, where you look forward, not only to whatever daily challenges there are for you, but to how fulfilled or appreciated you are by going to work. Congratulations, I really want that. Here’s my biggest hurdle… I don’t really even know where to start to get that. I am in my 40s and I don’t have a passion to follow… I never really have. I feel like there aren’t too many jobs out there that I can not do, I just have problems finding ones that I want to do. I’m really jealous of you if you have that.

I’m jealous of you if you have a “good” relationship with your family. If you enjoy talking to any member of your immediate family and a regular basis, I hate you (in a completely loving way) a little. If you have someone in your family that you can call, say if you’re arrested or your roof has fallen in, or you have a question about your medical history. I’m jealous. I have some of what I’m talking about with my extended family, but my heart aches for the fact that my father died and my mother had my sister TEXT me to ask me for money. I love hearing about my friends that go out to dinner with their family, or get to go on hikes with their nieces or nephews. I’m probably being a little selfish when I offer to help out a friend with a manual labor task because that was something that I used to love doing with my grandfather. I’m jealous of you if you can share a Christmas that is filled with the people and the unique traditions you had when you were younger. 

Right now, I am also currently jealous of people that been through a relationship failure, learned from it, and moved on. I don’t really think I need to go into too much detail on this one. Just know, I wish I was you. I wish that that was my experience.

I’m also jealous of the people in my life that have a positive, working relationship with their brains. My brain and I have a strained relationship at best. There are power struggles, periods of prolonged lying, and countless distraction techniques by both sides in my relationship with my brain. Don’t get me wrong, my brain and I can be great friends too I just with it knew its place a little better. If you can read these past few sentences and have no understanding of what I’m trying to say, I’m really jeaslous of you. 

I really am not sure if all of this jealously is a good thing or not. It’s good to have goals???? I’m completely open to suggestions, insight, drugs… etc. I am aware that everyone experiences life differently.  It is just hard not to see someone who looks like they are experiencing it in a better way and wish that you could have it that way too.

Tracker enjoying the green grass.

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